Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I Asked Myself a Question: Am I Happy?


Sometimes we have to ask for the things we want in order to find our happiness.
If we walk through life assuming that those around us know what we want we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and possibly a lot of misunderstanding.

Cory always tells me he is not a mind reader.  I guess for the first few years of our lives I really wanted him to be.   Sometimes it would be easier if we could read our partners minds.  Then I think what would we lose in our relationship if the concept to speak our own words were taken from us?

Words convey a message when spoken.  They can be harsh, soft, loud, whispered, sung, rhymed, etc.... Would we translate the message the same if we heard it in our thoughts and minds (reading only the words) and not with our ears which can hear emotion and tone?

I remember being newly married and wanting to please everyone.  Nothing has changed in 27 years other than I now know that pleasing me is also important.  I am happier if I speak my words. Let me say that again,  MY WORDS. Not  the words that I think they want to hear or even the words that I fear saying sometimes.  I am trying to keep our conversations honest and truthful.  Taking the emotion out of the conversation so that our ears are listening and understanding.

Finnley is learning to talk and communicate with us and so far we get cries and screams.   Thank goodness this is not how we communicate with each other through out our lives.  Can you imagine the amount of aspirin we would need each day? Her vocabulary is about 20 words.  She will wave if we say hi or goodbye.  I find myself reminding her to "find your words" and "speak your words".  I do this with Isabella too.  When Isabella feels that her answer is not what I want to hear she goes quiet and reflective.  I recognize that she is afraid to tell me the truth for fear that she may hurt my feelings or say the wrong thing.   Again, I find myself saying to her-speak your words, ask the question, and  answer the question honestly.  I remind her, "there are no wrong answers.  You are not in trouble."  

We have always tried to provide a safe home in which our kids can talk to us about anything and I mean anything.  We have had long discussion about all sorts of topics.  I won't go into details but they are profound, uncomfortable at times, loving, honest, and sometimes, eye opening.  They are not afraid to ask us any questions.  This is how we want our home to be.  This is how I should be with myself.  I should ask myself some hard questions to learn and find out what is buried down deep inside.

Ask....ask...ask...you may be surprised by your own answers.

I also had to learn that hearing the words yes or no were not going to make or break me.  I was okay with hearing no once I realized no is also an answer.  Not the answer I may want to hear or the answer I want but those two little letters that will no longer hold me back from asking the hard or simple questions in this life or of myself.

I recently have had to ask myself some hard questions about where I am going and what I want to do.  I realized that I have secretly been holding on to a list of things I wish to do... eventually.  I always tell myself: when the kids move out, when the kids graduate, when the kids are old enough, when the kids.... do you see a pattern here?   I wouldn't change having my kids for the world or being married.  It just seems that I need to fill my lamp.  The oil is running out and I need to do a few things for me.

I finally looked myself in the mirror and asked the reflection, "Am I happy?" It has not been easy looking myself in the eyes.  Happiness to me used to mean one thing.  Now it means a lot of things.  I am happy as a mom.  I am happy being a wife.  I am happy with my home.  I am typically a happy person.

BUT....there are holes in my happiness.

Gaps.

In the journey to put my family first and to try and ensure their happiness, I have lost myself a little bit.  I have forgotten to live a little.  I am missing out on small things that mean a lot to me.  My happiness has been on vacation.  Each and every time my heart would start to question a little desire or a need I wanted, my mind would shove it to the back of the line; not today maybe tomorrow is always the response.

My next question to myself was, "How can I change this?"  I recently read a quote that mentioned the word MORE.  I know that I am happy but I knew immediately that I could be more than just happy. I could be much happier with a few simple changes to my thoughts, actions and daily routine.

For starters, I have started to get up earlier.  This allows me to have a bit MORE me time.  I can read my email, write post and feel like I have finished something for the day.

I am actively doing MORE of the things on my list that I have felt afraid to do or thought maybe this was not the right time. I am understanding that there is never a right time for a lot of things.  Just do it.

I stopped the other day at a beach that I have wanted to visit forever.  I made the time and spent 30 minutes watching a pod of whales swim by.  That was glorious!

My long hair is gone.  I finally listened to the small voice of reason inside my head and just did it.  I love it.  No more fussing in the wind and tight pony tails.

A tattoo will be on my body by the end of this week.  I have thought about this for 2 years.  What am I waiting for?  Stuff like this is holding me back. Just get the damn tattoo already.  So I will.  It may be small but I can check this off my list.

I am scheduled to start school in January.  This has been the hardest leap for me to make.  I never wanted to take money away from my kids because I wanted them to finish school.  It's time for me to finish my schooling too.  I am so happy with this decision.

It is amazing how alive I feel and how happy I have become.  The questions just keep coming too.  It's okay to ask ourselves hard questions.  Sometimes we won't want to hear the answer and we won't know the solution.  Finding the right way to move forward will be different for everyone and I believe this is okay.

We all travel through this life at different speeds, with an array of goals, circumstances that alter our destiny, as well as, being pulled in many directions. Life can be challenging and it can easily slip away from us.  The older I get the more I realize that I am in the driver seat and sometimes I want to go slow and other times I want to speed.  Today I want to speed.

Take a few minutes to ask yourself a few questions and answer them honestly.  Allow yourself to explore your options and see things differently.   You may be surprised to discover that little changes, ideas and thoughts can lead to some very big adventures in your life.











2 comments:

  1. Fantastic Post you have given me hope, I have been asking myself many of those same questions and I have "gaps" in my happiness too. I think it's time to get a notebook out and start sorting things out. Frankly I'm scared to death to take the first step.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pam, I believe anytime we put our emotions and ego up for inspection, either by ourselves or others, its a scary thing to do. I have learned as I have gotten older than to be comfortable with uncomfortable feelings and notions, actually makes me grow as a person. I appreciate your comments...always. Sorry this is a late reply. Have a great weekend!

      Delete

Thank you for your comment. I will approve them as soon as possible.