Being Something

To become something you must first become nothing. In nothingness will you find the will and drive to do something and eventually, becoming something if not the nothing, keeps us moving forward.

It is a vicious cycle of chasing our tails. We want to be and then we don't.  We want to do and then we stop.  Our goals change and shift until we become stagnant and lithless.  We struggle to find peace and balance only to discover that we flourish in chaos and adventure.   

Our attempt to walk the tight rope that connects our sanity to the insanity becomes thin and wayward.  We move in the wind to find our balance and then shift our feet to continue in one direction or the next.  Which direction we are walking in is only beholden to those who are watching.  We don't see within ourselves the way of our world.  Our senses are in turmoil as we try to navigate this thin line under the weight of our consciousness.

Crazy is a state of mind that requires work and effort.  It is lazy then to want to be anything but mad and driven by the chase of reality.  Listening to the voice that constantly tells us to be something but realizing that it is easier to be nothing.

I am reminded that I need to constantly hold a vigil within my inner self to keep my mind open and moving.  I cannot stop or try to understand the restlessness that drives my thoughts.  I must be open to the flow of energy that keeps me grounded.  

To reflect on the past only causes the demon within to rise to the challenge of finding the thrill in a world of nothingness driving me deeper within myself until there is nothing left.  

Fighting the whole time to stay above the thunder of my own souls screams as it agonizes and tries to define who the real person is that drives this body, mind and soul.  

Seeking for serenity has become a challenge that is met with resistance and failure.  Looking for something to help me out of this feeling of nothingness is a greater challenge than anyone can imagine.  

Finding a balance and being perched in the middle is the safest place to be but this idleness leads to its own sense of insanity.  Repetition and doing the same things over and over are mind numbing.   Change is what keeps the fire flame alive.  When the wind blows it ignites the coals.  When it stops they die.  

Changing something will allow us to channel our way out of nothing.  In my nothingness I am reminded that, to others, it is something.

Looking into my eyes is not the same as seeing my view from behind the two brown eyes that guide my vision in this life.  I am not on the inside who I appear to be on the outside.  

Therefore two people must reside inside this earthly body.  One to be seen by others and one to be seen by only me.  Together we fight this battle and struggle to stay balanced and centered.

It is a dance of passions, wills and desires combined with responsibility and need.  Twirling in rhythm with a song that plays the same tune over and over. Will the song change the dancer over time or will the dancer make the song new again?  

Do I believe I am crazy?  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I want to be crazy so that I can be nothing.  The reality is that I am not and, for this reason, I must do something.  The fact that I recognize that I am not crazy or insane allows me to become what ever I want to become without fear of being nothing.

Rattling on and on about something, when in reality, this is nothing but the idle thoughts of a Mom who spends too much time washing dishes and changing diapers.  

This drive to do something keeps me from the fountain of nothing.  I can't help the fact that I am driven to do.  To be.  To want.  To desire.  With this desire comes errors and confusion.   Choices and decisions.  Failures and triumphs.

So be something already. 

Anything. 

Or... be content to do nothing.

In what ever the decision love, acceptance and happiness must be present.   I look at my so called day of nothing and realize that I did something.  I fed my family.  I cleaned our home.  I exercised.  I did some writing.  I taught Isabella.  I read to Finnley.

I did a bunch of little things that add up to something.

When the lens is turned, my nothing, is in reality....something. My perspective changed.  Oh what a difference it makes when we see the little things in life and realize that our nothingness is something after all.