You're Good Enough

Holding hands with Cory we set out for our daily walk.  We have a route that takes us 1 hour to walk.  At the half way mark we sit on a bench and rest.  We sit and watch the water.  The water has a temperament of its own: we never know what we will find.  Is the tide out or is it in?  The waves are loud as they crash onto the shore.  Our view is often clear for miles and sometimes filled with the occasional passing cruise ship or cargo carrier.  No matter what we find when we arrive it is good enough for us.  We will take the beach, the water, the sand--just as it is.

Our walks are important for us to reconnect.  Our best conversations happen during this intimate hour of alone time.  For this hour we talk.  On this day we headed out with our phones in hand.  We always have one phone just in case.  In case Finnley wakes up, in case we need a ride home or-- and this is the big one-- we need to fact check each other.  Crazy shit huh?  Well, after 26 years of marriage sometimes we need to know the facts and this actually saves us from arguing.  I like the truth.  Not that Cory is not truthful, he just likes to embellish his stories at times.  I like to know if when he uses words like "everyone" and "all" that it is the case.  Does that make sense?

We are in great spirits.  I share my day and he shares his.  As we hit the quarter mile marker our conversation turns to his book purchases at Barnes and Noble.  Our family loves a good book.  We are all avid readers and when in town it is not unusual for one of us to stop at the book store and return home with a new purchase.  Cory was excited because he had bought two books.  I was thrilled because he started the conversation with expressing a desire to read something fictional.  

My inner self just jumped for joy. It wasn't a self help book.  In the next breadth he said he was distracted by a book on Tapping.  My whole body deflated.  My eyes glazed over.  I went to the place that I tend to go when the words "self help book" enter into the conversation.   My inner self just shut down. 

Cory has read so many self help books.  I have no problem with reading self help books; honestly, I don't.  I just wonder what drives a person to constantly want to change.  I was worried.  I thought to myself that somehow we, his family, had not made him feel good enough.  I took his desire to improve himself as a token of my inability to make him feel that we love him just as he is.

Our exchange of words for the next 30 minutes was enlightening.  I am going through a phase of my life with my kids and husband in which I don't want them to ever wonder about my feelings and thoughts towards them. I am trying to express myself.  I took his enjoyment of reading self help books personally; I thought in some passive aggressive way he was reading self help books to secretly help me overcome a weakness or improve.  It wasn't.  I thought the years spent in the Mormon church had created this sense of him trying to evolve into a perfect individual and he was struggling to let that go.  It wasn't.  I thought he must think we don't think he's good enough.  It wasn't.

I was upset.  I finally had to admit that, at that very moment,  I hate self help books. I hate them because I spent many years with my nose buried in self help books trying to fix myself from the years of sexual abuse, low self esteem,  divorced parents, freckles, being too skinny, having red hair....etc...you name it and I was trying to fix it.

Jeez! It was tiring.   I didn't want him to feel that we didn't think he was good enough because he is. He is perfect for our family.  He is a great Dad and a wonderful husband.  He is the kindest man I know.  He is my best friend and I wanted him to know that I don't want him to spend his time trying to change.   

The problem is I am associating his self help experience with mine and they are two different experiences.  He doesn't feel like he is trying to change himself.  He is improving what he already knows.  He is learning.

Learning?  DUH!  I am a crazy bitch for sure...LOL A light went off and I reminded myself that I also like to learn.  I read books to learn all the time. I don't see them as self help books.  Not the kind I read at least.   I read about Yoga, Quilting, and photography.  I am learning to craft and cook.  He is learning the art of Tapping, how to meditate, manage our money, studying religions, and how to be a good boss. Here I was thrusting my self back into my past 25 years ago and thinking that he was feeling pain, hurt and betrayal.  

The conversation is heated by this point of our walk because he felt that with each and every (and there have been a lot) time he brings up a new book of "learning", I shut down.  I did, but I won't anymore.  I asked him to give me a list of his top 5 books that he found to be worth a read and I would read them.  We agreed to read a book together.

We started our own book club. Our first book is "To Kill a Mockingbird".  We chose this book because neither one of us has read it and our it is our daughter's favorite book.   I confessed that the years of reading books about healing and self love left me jaded to a certain genre of book. A few days later I was having a hard time.  Cory suggested Tapping.  I was being given an opportunity to learn.  I became engaged in his instructions.  Cory enlightened me to the ins and outs of tapping. This time I did not glaze over.  I had a new perspective of his interest and I found myself engaged in learning and listening without the voice in my head feeling confused and on guard.  I am learning the art of Tapping and discovering that it has a soothing affect.  

Bless his soul, he is a good man, to be married to a red haired ball of fire.  I just want him to never forget that he is good enough just the way he is.  I tell my kids all the time that they are good enough too.  I feel that my kids are balanced when it comes to learning and improving.  As parents we have tried to provide them with a happy home.  I am sure there were times we could have done better but I hope they don't find themselves ever questioning our love, our sentiments or care.  

We all need to find our balance in this life and be okay with who we are.  Improvements are important but accepting who you are is important too.  Our significant others hold a key to our hearts and through our relationship we can make or break each other.  I love that Cory is trying to improve himself.  I am grateful that our relationship is open enough that we can have honest conversations about our feelings and thoughts.

Honesty in any relationship can become a challenge when the other person is not open to hearing the truth.   I know that in the past, I created a facade of what I thought Cory wanted me to be.  I felt that who I was inside, down deep inside, was not good enough for his vision of us together. I spent many of our first years together trying to conform to what others thought, what the world would project and how I believed I should be.  The reality is that I was already good enough I just needed to let my light flow with clarity,  honesty and love.  I had to love myself first before anyone could love me as I am.

Peeling away the layers and years of life to discover that down deep we all start off as good people with good intentions is something I know for sure.  Our lives carve out a certain flow to who we will become.  The first 20 years of my life were hard.  The past 26 years of my life have been a blessing.  Cory has always been my number one fan expressing that I was good enough for him.  I didn't have to change or be someone else.  Over the years I wondered if maybe I had not sent him the same message.  On this walk, I felt so strongly that I needed to confirm to him that change was not necessary on his part.  He was good enough.

I recently heard a quote and loved it.  The quote is, "You're a star.  Stars are meant to twinkle".   My family is my universe.  I see each one as a star and I hope they understand that who they are will always be good enough for me.  One of my greatest joys in this life is watching them move or twinkle and grow.  Seeing them learn new things brings joy to my soul.

Life is about learning and growing.  I forgot that for a few minutes as we set out on our afternoon walk.  Cory reminded me that learning is not always about healing.  It can be more than that.  Maybe this was not about Cory but more about me reminding myself that I was good enough.  Something he never doubted in me from the beginning.

You're good enough too.   Sometimes we need to tell ourselves this and, at times, we need to uplift and remind our husbands, kids and families they are also good enough.

I hope they never forget, that in my eyes they will always be.....

......and so are YOU.....

GOOD ENOUGH.

Written by Sherron Watson